I grew up secretly wishing I had Lorelai Gilmore for a mother—but that was before I knew about the parentified daughter cycle. What fun, I thought, to have a young, fun mother; a mother who wore rhinestones and Daisy Dukes; a mother who wanted to lounge around eating pizza and junk food; a mother who I could call my best friend.
However, rewatching Gilmore Girls as an adult, I can’t help but recoil in horror at Lorelai’s parenting. While it may sound nice to have a best friend for a mother, in reality, it’s not exactly a healthy dynamic. Because she sees Rory as her BFF, the emotionally stunted Lorelai continually turns to her daughter with dating horror stories, money woes and work problems. In turn, Rory finds herself frequently stepping into the maternal role for her own mother. She tells her when it’s time to get up. She encourages her to be more responsible. She even disciplines her when she behaves poorly. It is, to say the least, an odd dynamic.
But it’s also a dynamic that happens more frequently than we may think. Rory is what is known as a “parentified daughter,” or “a child that experiences a role reversal with their parents,” as Ariel Eversoll, one half of the mother-daughter coaching team Mother to Daughter Healing, puts it.
“The daughter is given the responsibility of taking on the parent role and becomes the protector, emotional caretaker, therapist, mediator, housekeeper or even a financial provider,” Eversoll goes on. “A parentified daughter is also often seen or treated as her parents’ friend.”
Although many teens may like the sound of having a “cool mum” who is also a friend, the dynamic can prove to be a harmful one. We spoke to Eversoll about the dangers of slipping into a parentified daughter role, the signs this dynamic has formed, and the best strategies to form a healthier dynamic with your parents.
Why does the parentified daughter dynamic emerge?
In most cases, the dynamic emerges as a result of the parents. “It is typically imposed on her by circumstance, family dynamics or dysfunction,” says Eversoll. She explains that it typically begins in subtle ways and then becomes more extreme as time goes on. Eversoll also notes that parentified daughters are often the eldest daughter who “steps in to fill the void left by an absent or overwhelmed parent.” The dynamic typically emerges because the child is not being nurtured, but is instead expected to take on that role herself. “She may find herself managing household responsibilities, caring for younger siblings or emotionally supporting a parent who is struggling,” she explains. “This dynamic can also emerge out of necessity because if she doesn’t step up, she or her family may face severe consequences that can be life-altering or threatening.”
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