5 types of toxic in-laws—and how to deal with each

Some in-laws may be more subtle with their put-downs. Instead, they might drop sneaky jabs (“It must be nice to have the luxury to focus on things like that”), snide remarks (“Wow, I can’t believe you’re still doing XYZ”), or other passive-aggressiveness that leaves you feeling inadequate.

What to do: “When that happens, speak up and make it clear that those comments aren’t welcome and won’t be tolerated,” Morin says. In some situations, addressing it right then and there will feel most appropriate. For subtle, backhanded digs, a simple “What did you mean by that?” can prompt them to rephrase their thoughts more kindly. As for more direct, mean ones, try a calm but firm “I” statement like “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make those kinds of comments.”

This is also something worth bringing up to your partner. But instead of going straight into “I can’t stand your mom!” or “Your dad is such a condescending jerk,” Morin recommends focusing on the action: “I feel undermined when they talk about my career like that” or “I was hurt when they criticised my appearance again.” From there, you can discuss the best way forward—whether that involves your SO having a serious one-on-one with their parent, arranging a group discussion as a trio, or, if the disrespect continues, limiting your interactions to group settings only.

4. The one who undermines your partner

It can be really hard to stay quiet when you spot your partner putting up with their family’s toxic behaviours, Tawwab says. For instance, maybe their mother guilt-trips them any time they try to make an independent decision. Or their dad constantly belittles them under the guise of “constructive criticism.”

What to do: Instead of outright bashing their family or telling your partner how to feel (which will likely make them defensive, not reflective), a more effective approach is to help them recognise harmful patterns on their own. “You can slowly introduce ideas of what’s healthy by asking questions like, ‘How do you feel about [experience]?’” Tawwab suggests. Or, “That seemed a bit harsh. Are you okay?”

According to Tawwab, people who come from unhealthy environments of their own might pick up on manipulative or controlling tendencies that their partners may not recognise themselves. So these questions can gently encourage them to process their experiences over time—without feeling pressured to adopt your perspective.

5. The one who “competes” with you for your partner’s attention

Some parents struggle to let go when their child “replaces” them by building a life with someone else, causing them to see you as a rival instead of family. That might explain why your in-laws insist on being the first to know big news, constantly one-up your achievements, or find a way to make everything (your birthday, honeymoon or anniversary) about themselves. Eventually, this can make your relationship feel like an exhausting contest for your spouse’s attention and approval.