Knowing how to quit gossiping seems easy in theory—but actually doing it is a whole different story. Sure, most of us claim to hate the drama, and deep down we’re probably well aware that talking shit isn’t the healthiest hobby. But that doesn’t always stop us from dishing…or even using it to bond with others.
“By default, we are social beings,” says Fanny Tristan, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Restority Space in New York City. “We talk about other people”—and this urge to spill tea doesn’t always come from terrible, attention-seeking intentions. Maybe you’re venting about a friend who bailed on your plans (again), and before you know it, you’re dropping all kinds of details about other times they’ve let you down.
Where it gets really messy, though, is when gossip stops being about your frustration and starts resembling a Mean Girls-style takedown of another person. Like…when you’re speculating about why that one coworker got passed over for a promotion—and suddenly, you’ve come up with running theories about their “bad attitude.” Or when a certain couple’s cheesy, try-hard Instagram posts become weekly entertainment for your group chat. Not only do these digs come off, well, mean, but “this cycle of being a hater can affect the trust in your relationships too,” Tristan adds. If you’re known for talking shit about others, what’s stopping your loved ones from wondering if you do the same behind their backs?
In a perfect world, we’d all be kind and stay in our lanes. But realistically, learning how to quit gossiping altogether isn’t just hard—it’s kind of impossible. Talking about others (both positively and negatively) is a biologically human way of bonding and making sense of our relationships. As in, we evolved to share social information because it was once important to our survival: Who can we trust? Who should we avoid? So instead of aiming to go cold turkey, the next best thing you can do is find ways to make your gossip less mean-spirited, less habitual, and, ideally, a whole lot less toxic. Here’s how.
1. Talk with a purpose
Not all gossip is created equal. Ranting because you’re genuinely upset or confused is way more productive than bad-mouthing out of boredom, say, or just to poke fun. So before blurting out a, “Wait, did you hear about…,” says Ingrid Helander, LMFT, a couples therapist based in West Hartford, Connecticut, “you can pause and ask yourself: Why am I sharing this? And is it out of goodwill?”
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