I’m in multiple long-distance friendships. And it’s not as lonely as you think

It’s Saturday night, and the house is fairly silent. Apart from the microwave beeping incessantly, there isn’t a sound, and I’m revelling in the euphoria of having an evening with no plans. Suddenly, my phone starts to flash and the words “Ruch Puch Calling” bring me a familiar sense of ease. My friend from college is now heading home from an evening at the plant nursery in Dublin, and it happens to be our spontaneous (planned several times and missed) monthly catch-up call.

“I’m going to have strawberries in my backyard soon, and remember the tomato plant that reached my ceiling last year?” she says excitedly. Ruchi then begins to weed her garden, as we talk for two hours about our jobs, travel plans and the ex who finally managed to find eternal love. While the conversations might have evolved since our twenties, we still hold nostalgia for the time we braved together. Somewhere between late night in India and evening in Ireland, two old friends meet their old selves.

As someone who has lived in the same city her whole life, I have encountered my fair share of heartache with my best friends moving away. As a result, I am now in several long-distance friendships, right from Goa and Delhi to Washington DC and San Francisco. In a quest to find time for one another across several time zones, my friends and I have learnt to build a sense of understanding and nurturing that was absent in our twenties. I have found that the long spells of silence rarely mean that the friendship has faded but rather evolved to hold space for those silences. The internet is full of lists and features about how hard it is to maintain friendships in your thirties, but I’ve found that with the right group of pals, it has only become easier.

I say this because I remember the sleepless nights in my twenties when my core group moved away. At a time when you’re still navigating life’s many mysteries and everything is a lot more overwhelming, the comfort of friends brings a sense of grounding. With that security gone, there was so much more left to figure out alone. But now, I accompany those same friends on video calls during their morning coffee runs, as they walk their dogs and complain about the reorganisation of their local supermarkets. Did we try to make it a routine? Yes. Did it always work? No. But I think the acceptance of the change in the relationship and making space for it despite geographical differences is what makes it successful.